magickalconnections

Today, I have no words to describe how I feel.

This is why I am writing this very special blog post. It’s different from the other posts, and deeply personal. But I want to share these moments full of happiness, mixed emotions, excitement, and fears with you. Please forgive me if this piece of writing is all over the place. I really don’t have the capacity to utter even 2 coherent sentences. If you read on, you will also understand why I was very quiet during the past month. My apologies for that.

In 2020, just before Covid hit, I was deported from the United States. I’m German, so that in itself was not the issue, even though I had lived in the US for 12 years and felt more home there than in Germany. But at least, I had a country to return to.

The heartbreak came from the circumstances. I was married to a US citizen and we have 3 children together. By that time, the youngest wasn’t even 3 years old.

To make a long story short, for reasons still unknown to me, my ex-husband made sure that I got deported and during that process, I was separated from my kids and received an entry ban of 10 years. My visa had run out in 2013, and I had been in the process of changing my visa to residency as a fiancee. Courts were hopelessly overloaded by that time, and I just wasn’t a priority since I had a family and no criminal history. It took 6 years to get my final court hearing 1:1 with a judge to decide my immigration status. However, this was purposefully sabotaged by my ex-husband which resulted in my deportation.

I decided to go to Malta where 2 of my adult children were living. My daughter suggested that this was a great place to start over as I could stay with them and find a job as a German speaker. So I did. It all worked out well despite the heartbreak I was experiencing again. There was a positive to all of this as I got the chance to get to know and rebuild my relationship with 2 of my older children.

In 2021, I started working remotely and moved to Mexico. I wanted to do everything in my power not to lose my 3 babies in the US, however, despite my efforts, I ran into one wall after the next. I realized that the father of my kids had no interest in keeping me in their lives, and there was no way I could enter the US before the 10 year entry bar.

By that time, I had fallen in love with Yucatán and decided to stay.

Only 3 months after getting my residency, the father of my children died suddenly of a heart attack in the US.

The news reached me at 5 am in the morning and I felt numb. His untimely death is devastating, especially for my children who lost their Dad and hero at such a young age. 

My mother-in-law assured me that very day that she will bring my children to me. She had been by my side all these years even though she was unable to change the situation, she kept me in the loop as much as she could as her son had also cut her off completely. 

How to feel in a time like this? Contact with my children was reestablished almost immediately. This was an emotional time for all of us. For me, because I could finally at least talk to my kids on video again. For them, because they are going through an emotional hell right now and were told they would be living with their mother.

In their minds, I left because I don’t love them anymore and didn’t want anything to do with them. This is what they have been told all these years.

Can you even begin to imagine what this must feel like to children aged 12, 10, and 8?

As for my own feelings, so many emotions came up again. I realized that despite what happened, I still loved him. I wish we could have had a talk before he died, I desperately wanted to understand why he did what he did. I’m mad at him for putting me in this situation. 

How can he estrange me from my children in this cruel way and then just die and leave me behind to pick up the pieces from all over the world – literally.

I feel so excited and happy to get back that part of my identity I was so comfortable with. Being a mother fulfilled me, it made me happy. I never once wished for another life. Taking care of my family was all I wanted. I never regretted the decision to give up my career that hadn´t even started by the time I had my first.

Until now. Sure, I kept learning and studying during my very limited free time, but I never got to finish my degree or start working. By the time I was forced to land my first job, I was 43 years old. My saving grace was that I’m trilingual, and Malta needs German/English speakers for customer service in iGaming. This is how I was able to start a new life and make enough money to live, even if living is basic.

Now, I´m in Mexico, and have a good job (still in customer service, but not iGaming), however, it pays just enough to cover my own living expenses here in Yucatán.

I work from home which is awesome as I can continue working with my children around. 

However, the situation makes me feel inadequate. I´m scared that I might not be able to provide them with anything beyond their basic needs. Will I even be able to cover the basics? I never lived in Mexico with children, I have no idea about the costs this involves. Living costs here are expensive, not speaking of all the extras children need: school supplies, clothes, toys, activities, you name it…

Is it crazy that all of this is what pops in my head first trying to start a panic of a future that hasn’t even happened yet? A fear so strong it threatens to cloud the indescribable feeling of happiness being reunited with my children after so long has ignited.

The feeling of inadequacy that is competing with the deepest emotion a human being can feel: The connection and love of a parent for their children.

It’s not that my fears are completely unreasonable. The fact is that we are looking at some rough times ahead. 

But can I change this? Not at this very moment. I’ve been working on a coaching program/membership for quite a while now where I’m combining all I have learnt about postnatal fitness, martial arts, nutrition, behavioral change psychology and dealing with grief into a program for moms that takes into account that we are physical as well as energetic beings.

This is something in the works that would change the situation to give us more economic freedom and time with each other.

If you would be interested in a program like this, leave your comment and let me know what you struggle with most, so that I can include it and also keep you updated.

But back to the situation.

It’s not easy to put all the things I learned – spiritual, psychological, shadow work, and more – into practice, or rather translate it to an extremely unexpected and life-changing event that is happening so fast, I don’t even have time to prepare the house for the arrival of my kids.

I try to step back from my fears and emotions. Meditation, taking time to write down how I feel as I’m doing right now, going for walks, continuing my martial arts training even though I don’t feel like seeing or talking to anybody right now, remembering all the beautiful moments I had as a mother.

These are all strategies that help me keep perspective and be conscious and aware of the fact that I tend to play horror movies of a future that hasn’t even happened yet in my head.

It’s ok to be scared. It’s just not ok to stop doing the right thing because you are scared.

• I stopped judging myself for feeling more fear than happiness right now.
• I simply accept how I feel and make myself aware, so every time panic wants to creep in, I can step back, zoom out and see the bigger picture of what it means to finally have my babies back in my arms.
• I can remind myself that my children need their mother´s love more than anything else, especially now that they lost their father and are about to start a new life in a country they don’t know and a language they don’t speak.
• I can remind myself that I’m not alone. I have my new family in the United States, all the friends that have been taking care of my children ever since their Dad died, an entire community who will be there for us. People who care and offer their emotional support to me and my kids when times get rough. People to talk to, people who understand what we are going through.

Finally, my boyfriend of almost 3 years who has offered his huge and beautiful house for us to move in. It might not be ready for 3 kids, but it has space for them to be children, and they already have a special place in his heart. I moved in last week, and he is doing an amazing job building beds and furniture, putting in a bathroom, etc.

He also just proposed to me and is extremely excited to have an entire family all at once.

I’m ready to fully dive into the profound and unknown waters of this journey of heartbreak and love which started years ago and is about to take a turn for the better. No doubt, it will be the biggest challenge of my life but also the most beautiful thing that has happened in a long time.

Thank you for accompanying me on this journey, I couldn’t do this without you!

With all my love,

Wanda